This was in Saturday?s Melbourne Age (9/8/99), no by-line so I guess it started in the US...
Sexing the computer
Dear Tech Support
Last year, I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included in the brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me please ?
Joe
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that the latter is merely a ?Utilities & Entertainment? program.
Wife 1.0 is an operations system and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than on the original system. Look in your manual under ?Warnings- Maintenance/Child Support?. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF?s). You must assume all responsibility for faults & problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command : C:/apologize
In any case, avoid excess use of the ?escape? key because ultimately you will have to give the ?apologize? command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Some people are now preferring to install Partner 1.0 or Companion 1.0, these being equivalent programs. The installation of these more modern operating systems permit everything that Wife 1.0 offers, but without having to commit to a license agreement. It also frees the user from some of the restrictions in input/output ports and can, under some circumstances, free the user to install A Bit on the Side 1.1 or variants such as Toy Boy 2.0.
This is in line with modern open systems, but does require more vigilance on the part of the user to ensure that viruses and other unwelcome intrusions do not occur.
Generally this means the installation of some anti-viral software such as Condom 3.2. None of this was generally necessary when using Wife 1.0 except for the possibility of expansion of the motherboard. All sorts of problems could then ensue.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Thought you might like that one, although it goes on a bit.
-Kelly
Hahahahahahahahaha
-
K.J.
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
I think that's enough for today,
K.J.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
I think that's enough for today,
K.J.
-
sonneveld
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
I found a link to this page.. I guess the start of the article is the only funny bit. 
link
- Nick
I've always liked Borland's C compilers. I used Turbo C as I programmed my way through school. Many's the night I spent single-stepping through a program in the Turbo C Integrated Development Environment (IDE), trying to find where my program took a wrong turn.
Totally parenthetical note: did you ever see the example program for the sound function in the Turbo C version 2.0 Reference Guide?
/* Emits a 7-Hz tone for 10 seconds.
True story: 7 Hz is the resonant frequency of a
chicken's skull cavity. This was determined
empirically in Australia, where a new factory
generating 7-Hz tones was located too close to a
chicken ranch: When the factory started up, all the
chickens died.
Your PC may not be able to emit a 7-Hz tone. */
main()
{
sound(7);
delay(10000);
nosound();
}
link
- Nick
I've always liked Borland's C compilers. I used Turbo C as I programmed my way through school. Many's the night I spent single-stepping through a program in the Turbo C Integrated Development Environment (IDE), trying to find where my program took a wrong turn.
Totally parenthetical note: did you ever see the example program for the sound function in the Turbo C version 2.0 Reference Guide?
/* Emits a 7-Hz tone for 10 seconds.
True story: 7 Hz is the resonant frequency of a
chicken's skull cavity. This was determined
empirically in Australia, where a new factory
generating 7-Hz tones was located too close to a
chicken ranch: When the factory started up, all the
chickens died.
Your PC may not be able to emit a 7-Hz tone. */
main()
{
sound(7);
delay(10000);
nosound();
}
-
jonnings
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
if (OS == Any.Win.vs) {
Crash.system
}
HHAHHEHAHEAHAEHAEHAEHAEHAHEAHEHAEHAEHAEAHEHAEHAEHAEHAEHAEHAEHHAEHAE[glow=red,2,300]H[/glow]AAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
Crash.system
}
HHAHHEHAHEAHAEHAEHAEHAEHAHEAHEHAEHAEHAEAHEHAEHAEHAEHAEHAEHAEHHAEHAE[glow=red,2,300]H[/glow]AAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
-
klue
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
hahha LOL nice one jonnings! I like your humor! mail me 
[glow=red,2,300]heaheiaehaei[/glow]
[glow=red,2,300]heaheiaehaei[/glow]-
CESS.tk
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
-
AGI1122
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
Hehe, luckily I understand it, that is more of a if you know binary you will understand this joke. 
-
william mccabe
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
How many tech support people does it take to fix a computer?
Two: One who is Computer Eliterate and the other who isn't.
Two: One who is Computer Eliterate and the other who isn't.
-
rwfromxenon
Re:Hahahahahahahahaha
First, some background knowledge.
My father has just about every CISCO and microsoft certification there is, and i am getting there.
For my buds locally, I am THE one to go to when you have PC problems.
My friend whom i will call 'eln' (read the alphabet backwards) had been introduced to Space Quest with Space Quest 5, then worked his way down to AGI.
So anyway, eln called me up for help with Space Quest 2 as he knew I had played them since before i could walk or talk.
He said 'The mouse doesn't work!' You get the idea. Space Quest 2 was an AGI Game.
'Hmm... I don't really know what to do eln, try going to the c: prompt'
'yeah... now what?' As a side note, I didn't really like him, he was a jerk.
'type format c:, then call me when it's done.'
'Ok, I just hope this doesn't take long...'
Hehheheheh, never heard from him again....
My father has just about every CISCO and microsoft certification there is, and i am getting there.
For my buds locally, I am THE one to go to when you have PC problems.
My friend whom i will call 'eln' (read the alphabet backwards
) had been introduced to Space Quest with Space Quest 5, then worked his way down to AGI.So anyway, eln called me up for help with Space Quest 2 as he knew I had played them since before i could walk or talk.
He said 'The mouse doesn't work!' You get the idea. Space Quest 2 was an AGI Game.
'Hmm... I don't really know what to do eln, try going to the c: prompt'
'yeah... now what?' As a side note, I didn't really like him, he was a jerk.
'type format c:, then call me when it's done.'
'Ok, I just hope this doesn't take long...'
Hehheheheh, never heard from him again....
Never knew ANYBODY would be that stupid