Hahahahahahahahaha

[K.J.]

Here's some good computer "funnies":
http://www.linuxmall.com/entertainment/?1,7

Anyone else know of some good ones?

K.J.

[AGI1122]

The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows 2000:


Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"

This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."

Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

BREAKFAST.SYS halted...Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing...Insert cup and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.

User Error: Replace User.

Windows Virus Scan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it: (Y/Y)

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

[AGI1122]

WINDOWS 95 ERRORS

I thought you might want to know some of the secret Windows 95 errors. I happen to have gotten a copy of the official listing, which is reproduced here.

001 Windows 95 loaded. System in danger.

002 No error . . . yet.

003 Dynamic linking error. Your mistake is now in every file.

004 Erronious error. Nothing wrong.

005 Multitasking attempted. System confused.

006 Malicious error. O/2 Warp found on drive.

007 System price error. Inadequate money spent.

008 Broken window. Watch for glass fragments.

009 Horrible bug encounterd. God knows what has happened.

00A Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full.

00B Inadequate disk space. Need 100 meg minimum.

00C Memory hog error. More RAM needed. More! More!

00D Window closed. Do not look out.

00E Window open, do not look in.

00F Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened.

010 Reserved for future mistakes.

011 Reserved for future mistakes.

012 Reserved for future mistakes.

013 Time/Date error. Year is 1996.

014 Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening.

015 Unable to exit Windows 95. Try the door.

016 Door locked. Try control-alt-delete.

017 Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of.

018 Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.

019 User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not!

01A Hard drive over written with GIFs of Bill Gates. Terribly sorry.

[AGI1122]

Computer gender

A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While researching consumer response to his product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as 'she' or 'her'. What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer..."
A large group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[AGI1122]

WIN 98's SOURCE CODE

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok())
{
bsod(random_err());
crash(to_dos_prompt);
}
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

[K.J.]

How about this one?

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
(the author to these is unkown I think)

K.J.

[AGI1122]

Customer: I just installed windows 98

Tech support: and...

Customer: it stopped working

Tech support: you already said that!

[K.J.]

A lady called a tech support person and asked where the CD drive was. It turned out that she had here coffee cup siting on the CD drive tray because she thought that it was a coffee cup holder.

Someone called a tech support person because they were having a really hard time using the mouse. It was because they thought that it was like a sewing machine pedal so they had it on the floor.

Both are true.

K.J.

[Jordan_C.]

Oh, these are funny. Perhaps someone shoudl create a website with an OK user interface, and no matter how many things you have to view the rest of the world outside, the website without any warning will suddenly freeze. *COUGHWINDOWS95COUGH*

[AGI1122]

DOS: Defective Operating System.
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realise Our Software Only Falls Teenagers.
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing.
MACINTOSH: Machine Always Crashes. If Not, The Operating System Hangs

[AGI1122]

The Ballad Of The Y2K
(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."

But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

[ key change, the big finish coming ]

There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.

[K.J.]

TechTales: http://www.techtales.com/techroom.html
(Funny tech stories)

[AGI1122]

Linux is like a wigwam - no windows, no gates, and an apache inside!

[K.J.]

That's a good one AGISCI.

K.J. (still laughing)

[gpm]

UNIX JOKES

$ Got a light?
No match.

$ Man: why did you get divorced?
Man:: To many arguments.

$ How did the sex change operation go?
Modifier Failed.

$ PATH=Pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
No sense in pretending!

$ Man Woman
No manual entry for woman.